Jordan Peterson’s Life Advice Will Change Your Future (MUST WATCH)

Jordan Peterson’s Life Advice Will Change Your Future (MUST WATCH)

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00:02
[Music]
00:06
it’s like you don’t need to have all
00:08
these things but you better have most of
00:10
them
00:10
family friends career educational goals
00:13
plans for you no time outside of work
00:16
attention to your mental and physical
00:18
health etc you know those are that’s
00:20
what life is about and if you don’t have
00:22
any of those things well then all you’ve
00:25
got left is misery and suffering so
00:27
that’s that’s a bad that’s a bad deal
00:30
for you so so once you but once you set
00:34
up that that goal structure let’s say
00:36
and that’s really in many in many ways
00:39
that’s what you should be doing at
00:40
universities is that’s exactly what you
00:42
should be doing is trying to figure out
00:43
who it is that you’re trying to be right
00:47
and you aim at that and then use
00:50
everything you learned as a means of
00:52
building that person that you want to be
00:54
and and I really mean want to be I don’t
00:57
mean should be even those things those
00:59
things are going to overlap and it’s
01:01
important to distinguish between those
01:02
because that’s partly and this is back
01:04
down to the micro routine analysis so I
01:06
should I saying well you’re gonna try to
01:07
make yourself more industrious okay
01:09
number one specify your damn goals
01:10
because how are you gonna hit something
01:12
if you don’t know what it is that isn’t
01:13
going to happen and often people won’t
01:15
specify their goals too because they
01:17
don’t like to specify conditions for
01:19
failure so if you keep yourself all
01:20
vague and foggy which is real easy
01:23
because that’s just a matter of not
01:24
doing as well then you don’t know when
01:26
you fail and people might say well I
01:28
really don’t want to know when I fail
01:29
because that’s painful so I’ll keep
01:31
myself blind about when I fail that’s
01:34
fine except you’ll fail all the time
01:35
then you just won’t know it until you’ve
01:37
failed so badly that you’re done and
01:39
that can easily happen by the time
01:41
you’re 40 so so I would recommend that
01:45
you don’t let that happen
01:46
so that’s willful blindness right you
01:48
could have known but you chose not to
01:50
okay so once you get your goal structure
01:52
set up you think okay if I could have
01:54
this life looks like that might be worth
01:56
living despite the fact that it’s gonna
01:58
be you know anxiety provoking and
02:00
threatening and there’s gonna be some
02:02
suffering and loss involved in all of
02:03
that obviously the goal is to have a
02:06
vision for your life such that all
02:09
things considered that justifies your
02:12
effort
02:12
okay so then what do you do well then
02:15
then you turn down to the micro routines
02:17
it’s like okay well this is what I’m
02:19
aiming for how does that instantiate
02:21
itself day to day week to week month to
02:23
month and that’s where something like a
02:25
schedule can be unbelievably useful
02:27
Google Calendar it’s like naked Am
02:29
schedule and stick to it okay so what’s
02:32
the rule with the schedule it’s not a
02:34
bloody prison that’s the first thing
02:37
that people do wrong is well I don’t
02:38
like to have follow a schedule it’s like
02:40
well what kind of schedule are you
02:42
setting up well I should I have to do
02:43
this then I have to do this then I have
02:45
to do this you know and then I just go
02:47
play video games because who wants to do
02:48
all these things that I have to do
02:50
it’s like wrong set the damn schedule up
02:53
so that you have the day you want that’s
02:56
the trick it’s like okay I’ve got
02:58
tomorrow if I was gonna set it up so it
03:00
was the best possible day I could have
03:03
practically speaking what would it look
03:05
like well then you schedule that and
03:08
obviously there’s a bit of
03:09
responsibility that’s going to go along
03:11
with that because if you have any sense
03:12
one of the things that you’re gonna
03:14
insist upon is that at the end of the
03:16
day you’re not in worse shape than you
03:18
were that then at the beginning of the
03:20
day right that’s a stupid day if you
03:22
have a bunch of those in a row you just
03:24
dig you know you dig yourself a hole and
03:26
then you bury yourself in it’s like
03:27
sorry that’s just not a good strategy
03:29
it’s a bad strategy
03:31
so maybe 20% of your day has to be
03:34
responsibility and obligation or maybe
03:36
it’s more than that depending on how far
03:37
behind you are but even that you can you
03:40
can ask yourself okay well I’ve got
03:41
these responsibilities I have to
03:43
schedule the damn things in what’s the
03:46
right ratio of responsibility to reward
03:48
and you can ask yourself that just like
03:50
you’d negotiate with someone who is
03:52
working for you it’s like okay you got
03:53
work tomorrow okay so I want you to work
03:56
tomorrow and you might say okay well
03:57
what are you gonna do for me that makes
04:00
it likely that I’ll work for you well
04:02
you could ask yourself that you know
04:03
maybe you do an hour of responsibility
04:07
and then you play a video game for 15
04:08
minutes I don’t know whatever turns your
04:10
crank man but you know you have to
04:12
negotiate with yourself and not
04:14
tyrannize yourself like you’re
04:16
negotiating with someone that you care
04:18
for that you would like to be productive
04:20
and have a good life and and that’s how
04:22
you make the schedule it’s like and then
04:24
you look at the day and you think well
04:25
if I had that day the
04:26
be good great you know I knew you’re
04:29
useless and horrible so you’ll probably
04:30
only hit it with about 70% accuracy but
04:33
that beats the hell out of zero right
04:36
and if you hit it even with 50% accuracy
04:38
another rule is well aim for 51% the
04:42
next week or 50 and a half percent for
04:44
God’s sake or because you’re gonna hit
04:47
that position where things start to
04:49
loopback positively and spiral you
04:51
upward and so so that’s one way that you
04:55
can work on your conscientiousness it’s
04:56
a plan of life you’d like to have and
04:59
and you do that partly by referring to
05:02
social norms that’s more or less
05:04
rescuing your father from the belly of
05:05
the whale but the way other way you do
05:07
that is by having a little conversation
05:09
with yourself about as if you don’t
05:12
really know who you are because you know
05:13
what you’re like you won’t do what
05:14
you’re told you won’t do what you tell
05:16
yourself to do you must have noticed
05:18
that it’s like you’re a bad employee and
05:21
a worse boss and both of those work you
05:24
know for you you don’t know what you
05:26
want to do and then when you tell
05:27
yourself what to do you don’t do it
05:28
anyway so you should fire yourself and
05:30
find someone else to be but but you know
05:33
my point is is that you have to
05:35
understand that you’re not your own
05:37
servant so to speak you’re someone that
05:38
you have to negotiate with and that’s
05:40
and you’re someone that you want to
05:43
present the opportunity of having a good
05:45
life to and that’s hard for people
05:47
because they don’t like themselves very
05:48
much so you know they’re always like
05:51
cracking the whip and then
05:52
procrastinating and cracking the whip
05:54
and then procrastinating it’s like god
05:56
it’s so boring and such a pathetic way
05:58
of spending your time and you know what
06:00
that’s like because you probably waste
06:01
like six hours a day and I think we did
06:03
an economic calculation about that a
06:05
while back right your time is probably
06:07
worth 50 bucks an hour something like
06:09
that I mean you’re not getting paid that
06:10
now but you’re young and so this is
06:13
investment time and what you do now is
06:15
going to multiply its effects in the
06:17
future so so let’s say it’s 50 bucks an
06:20
hour which is perfectly reasonable so if
06:21
you waste six hours a day and you are
06:23
then you’re wasting about two thousand
06:25
dollars a week or about a hundred
06:26
thousand dollars a year so like go ahead
06:28
but that’s what it’s costing you every
06:30
hour and you need to know what your damn
06:32
time is worth so let’s say it’s not
06:34
fifty bucks its thirty whatever maybe
06:36
it’s a hundred it’s somewhere in that
06:38
range one of the things you should be
06:39
asking
06:40
yourself is when you spend an hour was
06:42
that well what have I paid someone 50
06:45
bucks to have had that hour and if the
06:47
answer is no it’s like well maybe you
06:49
should do something else with your time
06:50
and it depends on whether or not you
06:52
think that your time is worth while but
06:54
the funny thing about not assuming that
06:56
is if you assume your time isn’t
06:58
worthwhile what happens is you don’t
07:00
just sit around sort of randomly in a
07:02
state of responsibility list bliss what
07:05
you do is you suffer existentially and
07:07
so that seems like a stupid solution to
07:10
know if you take people and I’ve told
07:12
you this and you expose them voluntarily
07:14
to things that they are avoiding and are
07:16
afraid of you know that they know they
07:18
need to overcome in order to meet their
07:20
goals their self defined goals if you
07:22
can teach people to stand up in the face
07:24
of the things they’re afraid of they get
07:26
stronger and you don’t know what the
07:28
upper limits to that are because you
07:30
might ask yourself like if for ten years
07:32
if you didn’t avoid doing what you knew
07:35
you needed to do by the death by your
07:37
own definitions right within the value
07:39
structure that you’ve created to the
07:40
degree that you’ve done that what would
07:42
you be like well you know there are
07:46
remarkable people who come into the
07:48
world from time to time and there are
07:49
people who do find out over decades long
07:52
periods what they could be like if they
07:54
were who they were if they said if they
07:57
spoke their being forward and they’d get
08:01
stronger and stronger and stronger and
08:03
we don’t know the limits to that we do
08:04
not know the limits to that and so you
08:06
could say well in part perhaps the
08:08
reason that you’re suffering unbearably
08:09
can be left at your feet
08:11
because you’re not everything you could
08:13
be and you know it and of course that’s
08:15
a terrible thing to admit and it’s a
08:17
terrible thing to consider but there’s
08:19
real promise in it right because it
08:21
means that perhaps there’s another way
08:24
that you could look at the world and the
08:26
number another way that you could act in
08:28
the world so what it would reflect back
08:29
to you would be much better than what it
08:31
reflects back to you now and then the
08:33
second part of that is well imagine that
08:36
many people did that because we’ve done
08:38
a lot as human beings we’ve done a lot
08:40
of remarkable things and I’ve told you
08:42
already I think before that today for
08:44
example about 250,000 people will be
08:47
lifted out of abject poverty and about
08:49
300,000 people attached to the
08:51
electrical power grid
08:52
making people were lifting people out of
08:54
poverty collectively at a faster rate
08:56
that’s ever occurred in the history of
08:58
humankind by a huge margin and that’s
09:00
been going on unbelievably quickly since
09:03
the year 2000 the UN a plan to have
09:06
poverty between 2000 and 2015 and it was
09:09
accomplished by 2013
09:11
so there’s inequality developing in many
09:14
places and you hear it lots of political
09:15
agitation about that but overall the the
09:19
tide is lifting everyone up and that’s a
09:21
great thing we have no idea how fast we
09:23
can multiply that if people got their
09:25
act together and really aimed at it
09:26
because you know my my experience is
09:29
with people that were probably running
09:31
at about 51% of our capacity something
09:34
mean you can think about this yourselves
09:36
I often ask undergraduates how many
09:39
hours a day you waste or how many hours
09:41
a week you waste and the classic answer
09:43
is something like four to six hours a
09:45
day you know in efficient studying
09:48
watching things on YouTube that not only
09:50
do you not want to watch that you don’t
09:52
even care about that make you feel
09:53
horrible about watching after you’re
09:55
done that’s probably four hours right
09:57
there know it you think well that’s 2025
10:00
hours a week it’s a hundred hours a
10:02
month that’s two and a half full work
10:04
weeks it’s half a year of work weeks per
10:06
year and if your time is worth twenty
10:10
dollars an hour which is a radical
10:11
underestimate it’s probably more like 50
10:13
if you think about it in terms of
10:14
deferred wages if you’re wasting 20
10:17
hours a week
10:18
you’re wasting fifty thousand dollars a
10:20
year and you are doing that right now
10:22
and it’s because you’re young wasting
10:24
fifty thousand dollars a year is a way
10:26
bigger catastrophe than it would be for
10:27
me to waste it because I’m not gonna
10:29
last nearly as long and so if your life
10:31
isn’t everything it could be you could
10:32
ask yourself well what would happen if
10:34
you just stopped wasting the
10:36
opportunities that are in front of you
10:38
you be who knows how much more efficient
10:41
ten times more efficient 20 times more
10:44
efficient that’s the Pareto distribution
10:46
you have no idea how efficient efficient
10:49
people get it’s completely it’s off the
10:52
charts
10:52
[Music]
10:54
well and if we all got our act together
10:56
collectively and stop making things
10:58
worse because that’s another thing
11:00
people do all the time not only do they
11:02
not do what they should to make things
11:04
better they actively attempt to make
11:06
things worse because they’re spiteful or
11:08
resentful or arrogant or deceitful or or
11:12
homicidal or genocide alors all of those
11:14
things all bundled together in an
11:17
absolutely pathological package if
11:19
people start really really trying just
11:22
to make things worse we have no idea how
11:24
much better they would get just because
11:26
of that so there’s this weird dynamic
11:28
that’s part of the existential system of
11:31
ideas between human vulnerability social
11:34
judgment both of which are major causes
11:38
of suffering and the failure of
11:40
individuals to adopt the responsibility
11:42
that they know they should adopt and
11:44
that’s the thing that’s interesting too
11:46
is that and like one of the another
11:48
thing I’ve often asked my undergraduate
11:51
classes is you know there’s this idea
11:53
that that people have that people have a
11:55
conscience and you know what the
11:58
conscience is it’s it’s this feeling or
12:01
voice you have in your head just before
12:03
you do something that you know is stupid
12:05
telling you that probably you shouldn’t
12:07
do that stupid thing you don’t have to
12:10
listen to it
12:11
strangely enough but you go ahead and do
12:13
it anyways and then of course exactly
12:15
what the conscience told you was going
12:17
to happen inevitably happen so that you
12:19
feel even stupider about it than you
12:21
would if it happened by accident because
12:22
you know I knew this was going to happen
12:25
I got a warning it was going to happen
12:27
and I went and did it anyways and the
12:29
funny thing too is that that conscience
12:30
operates within people and we really
12:32
don’t understand what the hell that is
12:35
so you might say well what would happen
12:37
if you abided by your conscience for
12:39
five years or for ten years what sort of
12:41
position might you be in what sort of
12:43
family might you have what sort of
12:45
relationship might you be able to forge
12:46
and you can be bloody sure that a
12:48
relationship that’s forged on the basis
12:51
of who you actually are is going to be a
12:54
lot stronger and more welcome than one
12:56
that’s forged on the basis of who you
12:57
aren’t now of course that means that the
13:00
person you’re with has to deal with the
13:02
full force of you in all your ability
13:05
and your catastrophe and that’s a very
13:07
varied
13:07
thing to negotiate but if you do
13:10
negotiate it well at least you you have
13:12
something you have somewhere solid to
13:14
stand and you have somewhere to live you
13:16
have a real life and it’s a great basis
13:18
upon which to bring children into the
13:21
world for example because you can have
13:22
an actual relationship with them instead
13:24
of torturing them half to death which is
13:27
what happens in a tremendous a
13:29
tremendously large minority of cases
13:33
well it’s more than that too because and
13:36
this is what I’ll close with and this is
13:37
why I wanted to introduce social nets as
13:39
ratings to you you see because it isn’t
13:42
merely that your fate depends on whether
13:44
or not you get your act together and to
13:46
what degree you decide that you’re going
13:48
to live out your own genuine being it
13:51
isn’t only your fate it’s the fate of
13:53
everyone that you’re networked with and
13:55
so you know you think well there’s nine
13:58
billion seven billion people in the
14:00
world we’re going to peak at about nine
14:02
billion by the way and then it’ll
14:03
decline rapidly but seven billion people
14:06
in the world and who are you you’re just
14:07
one little dust mote among that seven
14:10
billion and so it really doesn’t matter
14:11
what you do or don’t do but that’s
14:13
simply not the case it’s the wrong model
14:16
because you’re at the center of a
14:18
network you’re a node in a network of
14:20
course that’s even more true now that we
14:22
have social media you’ll you know you’ll
14:24
know a thousand people at least over the
14:26
course of your life and they’ll know a
14:28
thousand people each and that puts you
14:29
one person away from a million and two
14:32
persons away from a billion and so
14:34
that’s how you’re connected and the
14:36
things you do there like dropping a
14:38
stone in a pond the ripples move outward
14:40
and they affect things in ways that you
14:42
can’t fully comprehend and it means that
14:45
the things that you do and that you
14:47
don’t do are far more important than you
14:49
think and so if you act it way of course
14:53
the terror of realizing that is that it
14:55
actually starts to matter what you do
14:57
and you might say well that’s better
14:58
than living a meaningless existence it’s
15:00
better for it to matter but I mean if
15:03
you really ask yourself would you be so
15:05
sure if you had the choice I can live
15:07
with no responsibility whatsoever the
15:09
price I pay is that nothing matters or I
15:12
can reverse it and everything matters
15:14
but I have to take the responsibility
15:16
that’s associated with that it’s not so
15:19
obvious to me that people would take the
15:21
meaningful path now when you say well
15:23
nihilist suffered dreadfully because
15:25
there’s no meaning in their life and
15:26
they still suffer yeah but the
15:28
advantages they have no responsibility
15:29
so that’s the payoff and I actually
15:32
think that’s the motivation say well I
15:33
can’t help being nihilistic all my
15:35
belief systems have collapsed it’s like
15:37
yeah maybe maybe you’ve just allowed
15:39
them to collapse because it’s a hell of
15:40
a lot easier than acting them out and
15:42
the price you pay is some meaningless
15:44
suffering but you can always whine about
15:45
that and people will feel sorry for you
15:47
and you have the option of taking the
15:49
pathway of the martyr so that’s a pretty
15:50
good deal all things considered
15:52
especially when they are when the
15:54
alternative is to bear your burden
15:57
properly and to live forthrightly in the
16:00
world well what Solzhenitsyn figured out
16:02
and so many people in the 20th century
16:04
it’s not just him even though he’s the
16:05
best example is that if you live a
16:08
pathological life you pathologize your
16:11
society and if enough people do that
16:14
then it’s hell really really and you can
16:20
read the Gulag Archipelago if you have
16:22
the four tit fortitude to do that and
16:24
you’ll see exactly what hell is like and
16:26
then you can decide if that’s a place
16:28
you’d like to visit or even more
16:29
importantly if it’s a light if it’s a
16:31
place you’d like to visit and take all
16:33
your family and friends because that’s
16:36
what happened in the 20th century how to
16:39
think about motivation well think about
16:40
it from the hypothalamic perspective so
16:42
we could say one thing that motivation
16:44
does is set goals we could say that
16:46
emotions track progress towards goals
16:48
and I’m gonna use that schema even
16:50
though it’s not exactly right so you say
16:52
well motivation determines where you’re
16:54
gonna aim so if you’re hungry you’re
16:56
gonna aim it something to eat and then
16:58
that will organize your perceptions so
17:00
that you zero out everything that isn’t
17:02
relevant to that task which is almost
17:04
everything you concentrate on those few
17:06
things that are going to facilitate your
17:08
movement forward when you encounter
17:10
those things that produces positive
17:11
emotion as you move through the world
17:13
towards your goal and you see that
17:16
things are laying themselves out that
17:17
facilitate your movement forward those
17:19
things cause positive emotion and if you
17:22
encounter anything that gets in the way
17:23
then that produces negative emotion and
17:25
it can be like threat because you’re not
17:28
supposed to encounter something that
17:29
gets in the way it can be anger so that
17:31
you move it away it can be frustration
17:33
disappointment grief
17:34
those would if you had a response that’s
17:37
serious to an obstacle it would probably
17:39
punish the little motivated frame right
17:41
out of existence you know so you walk
17:43
down stairs and I don’t know the
17:46
contracting company is set a wrecking
17:47
ball through your kitchen it’s like
17:49
that’s going to be disappointing you’re
17:51
not going to keep eating the peanut
17:52
butter sandwich in the rubble that
17:54
little frame is going to get punished
17:55
out of existence and some new goal is
17:58
going to pop up it instead and you know
18:00
one of the things we’re gonna try to
18:01
sort out is how do you decide when
18:04
you’ve encountered an obstacle that’s so
18:05
big that you should just quit and go do
18:07
something else because that’s not
18:09
obvious you know and you can you can get
18:12
into counter productive persistence
18:14
pretty easily so we don’t know how
18:16
people solve that problem it’s a really
18:18
complicated one so anyways we’re gonna
18:20
work on that scenario your hypothalamus
18:22
pops up micro goals that are directly
18:25
relevant to biological survival that
18:28
produces a frame of reference so it’s
18:30
not a goal it’s not a drive and it’s not
18:33
a collection of behaviors it’s of little
18:35
personality and the personality has a
18:37
viewpoint it has thoughts that go along
18:39
with it
18:40
it has perceptions it has action
18:42
tendencies all of that you can see this
18:45
in addiction most particularly so one of
18:49
the things that you find often with
18:50
people who are alcoholic is they lie all
18:52
the time and that’s because when they’re
18:55
they built a little alcohol dependent
18:57
personality inside of themselves or a
18:59
big one it might maybe it’s 90 percent
19:01
of the personality and one of that one
19:04
of the things that component consists of
19:06
is all the rationalizations that they’ve
19:09
used over the years to justify their
19:11
addiction to themselves and to other
19:12
people and so the addiction has a
19:15
personality you know and so when the
19:18
person is off ma-maybe they’re addicted
19:20
to meth or something like that where we
19:21
know the addiction is more it’s more
19:25
short-term powerful that I would say
19:27
than an alcohol addiction they’ll say
19:28
anything and that the the words are just
19:32
tools used to get towards the goal and
19:34
if they happen to be deceptive whatever
19:36
it doesn’t matter
19:37
they’re just practical tools to get
19:38
towards the goal and then when you get
19:40
towards the goal and you take a nice
19:42
shot of meth or something like that you
19:44
reinforce all those rationales that you
19:46
use to get the drug
19:47
then the next time your even a better
19:49
deceiver and liar so okay so we’re gonna
19:52
say motivations one way of thinking
19:54
about as they set goals but it’s not the
19:56
right way of thinking about it they
19:57
produce a whole framework of
19:59
interpretation and so we’re gonna think
20:00
about that framework of interpretation
20:02
and then emotions emerge inside of that
20:05
so that’s it so the world is framed
20:07
motivation set goals you could say the
20:09
world has to be framed so motivation
20:12
sets that frame whose goals emotions
20:14
perceptions and actions and then actions
20:16
track progress so positive emotion says
20:19
you’re moving forward properly towards
20:21
your goal and if you encounter something
20:23
you don’t expect you stop
20:25
that’s anxiety it’s like oh we’re not
20:27
where we thought we were and so we don’t
20:29
know what to do so we should stop
20:31
because we don’t know where we are what
20:32
we’re doing stop frozen and then the
20:36
more powerful negative emotions like
20:38
pain they might make you get out of
20:40
there so emotions forward stop reverse
20:44
that’s your emotions within that
20:46
motivated frame so and that’s another
20:50
example of how your mind is embedded in
20:51
your body you know emotions are like
20:53
they’re they’re offshoots of action
20:55
tendencies that’s that’s the right way
20:57
to think about it because action is
20:59
everything fundamentally so what are
21:02
some basic motivations
21:04
most of these are regulated by the
21:05
hypothalamus by the way and that tells
21:07
you just how important a control system
21:09
it is the other thing that’s useful to
21:10
know about the hypothalamus is that it
21:12
has projections going up from it that
21:14
are like tree trunks and inhibitory
21:17
projections coming down that are like
21:18
grape vines so you can kind of control
21:22
your hypothalamus as long as it’s not on
21:23
too much but if it’s on in any serious
21:26
way it’s like it it wins so partly what
21:30
you do to stop yourself from falling
21:33
under the Dominion of your hypothalamus
21:35
is to never ever be anywhere where it’s
21:37
action is necessary right you don’t want
21:40
to go into a biker bar because you might
21:42
find yourself in a situation where
21:44
panicked defensive aggression is
21:46
immediately necessary you probably don’t
21:49
want that you don’t want the panic you
21:51
don’t want the terror you don’t want the
21:53
frenzied fight you don’t want any of
21:54
that you don’t want to have to run away
21:56
in absolute panic so you just don’t go
21:58
there
21:59
and then a huge a huge part of how we
22:02
regulate our emotions is just by never
22:04
going anywhere where we have to
22:06
experience them and so that has very
22:08
little to do with internal inhibitory
22:09
control and everything to do with
22:11
staying where you belong
22:13
the myth of mental illness by Thomas
22:16
says s-said asz it’s a classic you
22:20
should read it if you’re interested in
22:22
psychology read it like it’s a classic
22:24
and he basically said most people have
22:27
problems in living they don’t have
22:29
psychological problems and so I’ve
22:32
experienced despite my love for the
22:35
psychoanalysts very frequently what I’m
22:37
doing as a therapist is helping people
22:40
have a life that would work you know and
22:44
you can parameterize that it’s like what
22:47
do you need how about some friends that
22:50
people kind of like that how about an
22:52
intimate relationship with someone that
22:54
you can trust that maybe has a future
22:56
that’d be good
22:57
how about a career that puts you in a
22:59
dominant Sarki somewhere so at least
23:02
you’ve got some possibility of rising
23:04
some possibility of stabilizing yourself
23:06
and our schedule in a routine because no
23:09
one can live without a routine you just
23:11
forget that if you guys don’t have a
23:13
routine I would recommend like you get
23:16
one going because you cannot be mentally
23:19
healthy without a routine you need to
23:21
pick a time to get up whatever time you
23:23
want
23:24
I’d pick one and stick to it because
23:26
otherwise you dis regulate your
23:28
circadian rhythms and they regulate your
23:31
mood and eat something in the morning I
23:34
had lots of clients who’ve had anxiety
23:36
disorders I had one client who was
23:38
literally starving very smart girl she
23:42
there’s very little that she liked she
23:43
kind of tried to subsist on like half a
23:45
cup of rice a day she came to me and
23:47
said I have no energy I come home all I
23:50
want to do is watch the same movie over
23:52
and over what like is that weird and I
23:55
thought well it depends on how hard you
23:56
work you know it’s a little weird but
23:59
whatever
24:00
it’s familiar you’re looking for comfort
24:02
so I did an analysis of her diet it’s
24:04
like 3/4 of a cup of rice it’s like
24:08
you’re starving eat something you know
24:13
you’ll feel better
24:15
so she modified her diet and you’re all
24:19
her anxiety went away and she had some
24:20
energies like yeah you got to eat so
24:27
schedule that’s a good thing man your
24:29
brain will thank you for it
24:31
it will stabilize your nervous system
24:32
with it’s a bit of a plan that’s a good
24:35
thing you need a career you need
24:37
something productive to do with your
24:39
time you need to regulate your use of
24:42
drugs and alcohol most particularly
24:44
alcohol because that does even a lot of
24:46
people you need a family like the family
24:52
you have your parents and all that would
24:54
be nice if you all got along you can
24:56
work on that that’s a good thing to work
24:57
on and then you know you probably need
24:59
children at some point that’s life
25:01
that’s what life is and if you’re
25:04
missing you know you may have a good
25:06
reason to not be operating on one of
25:09
those dimensions it’s not mandatory but
25:13
I can tell you that if you’re not
25:15
operating reasonably well on four I
25:17
think I mentioned six if you’re not
25:19
operating reasonably well on at least
25:21
three of them there’s no way you’re
25:24
going to be psychologically thriving and
25:28
that’s more pragmatic in some sense than
25:31
psychological right human beings have a
25:33
nature there’s things we need and if we
25:36
have them well that’s good and if we
25:38
don’t have them well then we feel the
25:40
lack and so behaviorists behavioral
25:43
psychologists concentrate a lot more on
25:45
that sort of thing
25:46
you know it’s practical
25:49
strategizing make a career plan figure
25:52
out how to negotiate cuz that’s bloody
25:53
important figure out how to say what you
25:55
need figure out how to tell the truth to
25:57
figure out how to listen to your partner
26:02
in particular because if you listen to
26:05
them they will actually tell you what
26:07
they want and sometimes you can give it
26:09
to them and maybe they’ll return the
26:11
favor and if you practice that for like
26:13
15 years well then maybe you’re
26:15
constantly giving each other what you
26:17
want well hooray
26:19
that would be good and then there’s two
26:21
of you under all circumstances and it’s
26:25
better to have two brains than one
26:27
because people think differently because
26:29
of their temperament mostly and so the
26:32
negotiation is where the wisdom arises
26:35
and it’s part of the transformation the
26:38
psychological transformation that’s
26:39
attendant on an intimate relationship
26:42
and one of the fundamental purposes of a
26:44
long-term intimate relationship
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